Ellen DeGeneres says on her Thursday show that in the wake of David Letterman’s retirement news, she “heard a rumor that one of the people being considered to take over The Late Show is me.”
She’s “very flattered” but loves daytime and points out that “nighttime is very different. There’s a lot of political humor, which I don’t do.”
But, Ellen says, “You can’t know if you’re good at something until you try it.” So she sets up her stage and does her best Letterman-type monologue.
She goes backstage to make a proper Dave-esque entrance. After she’s announced, she struggles coming out of the curtain.
“Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I haven’t had that much trouble coming out since 1997. Please have a seat. Thank you.”
And then she launches into more jokes:
• “Hey, it’s been really hot in L.A. this week. So hot Steven Tyler only wore ninescarves.”
• “Well, let’s get to the news. So much happening in politics right now. Europe. Asia. Hillary Clinton. Am I right? I mean …”
• “Hey have you heard about this? The White House announced that 7 million people have signed up for coverage under Obamacare. Although if they really wanna cover people they should make hospital gowns that close in the back.”
• “Here, this is interesting. Last month Colorado made $3.5 million in profit from marijuana. And if you ask me, that number, just like everyone in Colorado, is super high.”
She then delivered her Top 11 list:
“Hey, tonight’s topic is –Top 11 Favorite Pets of Mine.
“No 1. Wolf.
“No. 2 Mabel. No that’s mean, I don’t wanna hurt Mabel’s feelings. I’m gonna say No. 1 is Wolf and no, yeah one is Mabel and two is Wolf.
“No. 3 Charlie.
“No. 4 Augie. Actually, you know I forgot what Wolf did last night. Let’s switch him with Augie. Let’s put. But then all dogs at the top. That’s not fair to my cats. …”
She gives up, saying, “This is a lot harder than I thought, never mind. I’m not gonna … I’ll stick to daytime for now.”
And she wishes Lettterman well, adding, “I would like to say, David Letterman, you are an incredibly brilliant and clever man. I’ve always been a fan, I loved watching you. You’ve made us happy for over 30 years. So what better song to dedicate to you than Pharrell Williams’ Happy.”