There will be many things to look forward to in the next four years of Donald Trump’s presidency, especially if you are a member of that segment of the population commonly known as “The Joker from The Dark Knight”. But probably the most exciting thing about the Age of Trump will be the return of good old-fashioned glamour to geopolitics.
The glamorisation of the White House has already begun, with Trump’s first wife Ivana nominating herself as prime candidate for the post of Ambassador to the Czech Republic. This is an outstanding idea, as Ivana possesses the two most important attributes for this position: a) she’s originally from the Czech Republic; and b) she’s met Donald Trump at least once.
But Ivana will bring a bit extra to the diplomatic realm – that dash of pizazz, of glitz, of shameless big-haired ostentation. Because that’s what the Trump White House is going to be all about: inspiring Americans – and indeed citizens of all countries – with conspicuous displays of overwhelming privilege. Washington will become Xanadu, and Trump himself will be, if not exactly Kubla Khan, at least Zsa Zsa Gabor.
He’ll start by appointing Ivana ambassador to Prague, but there are plenty more diplomatic postings to be doled out and plenty more Trumps to accept them. If his first wife can go to the Czechs, it seems logical to make his second wife, Marla, ambassador to Georgia, where she’s from. Not necessarily the same Georgia, mind you, but it’d be petty to expect anyone in the Trump administration to know the difference. Then there are the children. I’d say Ivanka to France for the shopping, Tiffany to New Zealand so her father can more effectively forget that she exists, and Donald jnr and Eric to African nations of their choice where they can kill large numbers of exotic animals. So will the world be infused with the Trump ethos: have a good time, all the time, and take what you want when you want it.
The results on the home front will be even more spectacular. Take the White House itself: I think most people would agree that white is a dull, uninspiring colour for a house to be. It’s a colour for losers – white flags, etc. Trump has demonstrated throughout his life that he understands what colour goes with winning: GOLD. I expect that the process of gold-plating the White House will begin in January, and by mid-2017, the entire house should be entirely gilt. This will project the right message to the world: America is classy as hell and no longer afraid to show it. In fact, gold will be a persistent theme of the Trump administration: expect gold limos, a gold Air Force One, troops in the Middle East wearing gold uniforms, etc.
The projection of military power is, of course, vital to Trump’s agenda, and you can bet that Islamic State will be quaking in fear when the US Defence Forces, no longer condemned to skulk in the shadows, march proudly on their enemies, gold uniforms glinting in the sun, enormous blonde bouffants shimmering like glorious desert mirages while their standard-issue diamond-encrusted machine guns rain expensive death down on the enemy. The effect will be that of hundreds of thousands of heavily-armed Donald Trumps attacking the evildoers, and you can’t tell me that won’t scare the bejeesus out of them.
All the rituals and rhythms of presidential life will be calibrated to the new Trumpian paradigm. Expect to see big changes to the annual State of the Union address, with the speech itself now taking up only three to five minutes, to be followed by cocktails served in the House chamber by the Trumpettes – the new highly-trained corps of G-string-clad aspiring actresses who will be assigned to accompany President Trump on all official business. This more festive approach to affairs of state will also be reflected in other functions: official dinners for visiting heads of state, for example, will be held in the Gold House’s new Premium Gentleman’s Room, where a relaxed atmosphere and America’s most accomplished exotic dancers will bring a fresh approach to diplomatic relations.
Stimulating the economy will be President Trump’s first priority, and apart from the obvious boost in the gold-plating and hot-tub sectors, he will also work tirelessly to kickstart the traditional engines of the US economy, such as the luxury watch industry, the jewelled toilet industry, and thrones. Just receiving the presidential imprimatur can be a massive boon to many businesses, and President Trump’s recognition of this fact will be the spur behind his willingness to appear in paid promotional spots for products ranging from the Subaru Impreza to Wild Turkey bourbon. It’s the kind of hands-on administration Trump plans to run.
Of course, a huge part of a president’s job is making savvy, forward-thinking appointments to cabinet, and Trump’s plans are to do just that. It goes beyond the obvious, like making Ted Nugent Secretary of Culture and Martha Stewart Treasury Secretary. It also requires thinking “outside the box”, which is why Trump’s cabinet will include such luminaries as Secretary of Agriculture Clint Eastwood, Secretary of Defence Vin Diesel, and Secretary of Education Scott Baio. After all, he was elected to shake up the status quo, and with appointments such as these, and new Supreme Court Justice Tara Reid, he’ll do just that.
In the end, what it’s all about is making America great again. And to be great, you have to show that you’re great. The Gold House; the West Wing massage parlour; the traditional Thanksgiving wet T-shirt contest; all of these are ways to tell the world: we’re a great country, we’re a fancy country, we’re a country full of rich powerful men and beautiful women, and we will have no hesitation, if challenged, in converting the Pentagon to polo fields and putting Hulk Hogan in charge of Homeland Security.
Trust me, it’s going to be huge.