By Kim Z Dale
I thought that after the “Cat Person” story everyone understood why women sometimes go through with sexual encounters they don’t want rather than just saying no. Apparently I was wrong, and the debate continues. In an attempt to help, here are 21 reasons why a women might have sex she doesn’t want rather than saying no.
- She is afraid that the guy won’t like her if she says no.
- She is afraid that the guy may be violent if she says no.
- She is afraid, but she can’t quite describe why.
- She initially consented and is embarrassed to say that she changed her mind.
- She worries he’ll accuse her of leading him on.
- It seems easier than fighting about it.
- She’s too drunk.
- She’s agreed to something just short of sex, but the guy keeps going.
- She doesn’t think he’ll listen anyway.
- She wants sex, just not with this guy, but this guy is here.
- She didn’t think he was serious about having sex at that moment/in that location.
- She needs him to drive her home.
- She is flattered by the attention, even though it’s not quite the attention she’d prefer.
- The guy is going through a hard time, and she doesn’t want to make it worse.
- She knows he’ll keep pushing, so she figures she should just get it over with.
- She’s doesn’t think what she wants matters.
- She doesn’t think she matters.
- They are in a long term relationship and haven’t had sex in a while, so she feels like she owes him.
- His mood/touch/words changed in a way that turned an initially pleasurable, consensual encounter into something she doesn’t want, but by then it seems too late to stop.
- The last time she said no it didn’t make a difference.
- She did say no. You weren’t listening.
This is not an all-inclusive list. There are many reasons why a woman may not say no even though she wants to. Yes, it’s best if women always clearly and forcefully said no when they didn’t want to have sex, but if she doesn’t it does not make her a bad person. Depending on the situation, it doesn’t make the man the bad person either. But it does make for a bad situation.
If you don’t want to be part of a story of regret, check in with your partner periodically to make sure what you are doing is okay. No you don’t need a consent form signed in triplicate. Just ask if the other person likes what you are doing. Even better, ask the person what they want you to do. Sure, it might mean you don’t get laid that night, but a truly enthusiastic partner will be a lot more fun anyway. Really.