What’s in Melania Trump’s private emails? I took a few guesses

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Poppy Noor – The Guardian

The latest private email scandal has raised security concerns – but I couldn’t help but wonder what the emails contained

Melania Trump – a big fan of memes? Photograph: Tasos Katopodis/Getty Images

News that Melania Trump was reportedly found to have used private email in the White House raised, for some, concerns about cybersecurity. For others, it raised concerns about hypocrisy – the Trump team based part of its 2016 election strategy on the idea that Hillary Clinton was a criminal for using her private email for official purposes. Nevertheless, Melania is now the third Trump family member reported to have used private email – Ivanka and Jared Kushner did it too.

But considering Melania is a private person, sometimes to the extent of being painted by her critics as robotic, the news brought up a very different question for me. What on earth do the contents of Melania’s private emails look like? Here’s what I imagine them to be.

Attachments to print out

Perhaps Melania had a completely practical reason to send emails from her private account – like sending herself attachments to print off. She might send herself links to inspirational quotes, like “Be Best”; or lines from the Michelle Obama book that might “inspire” a new speech.

Memes

Melania’s husband has shown himself to have a good sense of humor when it comes to memes. So maybe Melania uses her private email at work to send her favorite memes to her mates. Maybe she just can’t wait for this pandemic to pass, and sends “me and the boys after quarantine” content to her besties.

Or maybe she just sends emails with the subject line “LOOK AT THIS PHOTOGRAPH” and inside there’s a riff off a Nickelback video promoting discredited corruption claims against Joe Biden inside.

Emails to her future self

“Dear Melania, if you’re 60 when you open this, and you’re still with him … LEAVE.”

Strongly worded letters

Some have suggested Melania Trump is opportunistic. This may just be sexism: those claims did, after all, come about after she tried to renegotiate her prenup after Trump’s move to the White House, which, if they were about a man, might just have been called “good business sense”.

But if Melania were opportunistic, I reckon she’d spend her time emailing her local store at four in the morning, letting them know her very strong feelings about how they don’t stock her favorite brand seltzer any more. “If I don’t get a response by morning, I WILL be asking to speak to the manager,” she might write.

Then again, if she were that cold-blooded, she’d would send that from her White House email for maximum impact.

Mean remarks about Ivanka

Come on. It wouldn’t be the first time.

Maybe she sends chain mail

Remember those emails from the 1990s, that warned you to “SeNd THiS EmAIL to FiVE frIEndS IMMmediately Or U wILL diE”?

Maybe Melania sends those – but the 2020 version.

“If U ReAD tHiS anD STilL waNT TO vote By MAIL U are Ruining the Us ELectIon. Like 2 Agree, ShaRE to disAGree lOL.”

Links to Donald Trump’s rallies

It’s perhaps no longer fashionable to believe that Melania needs to be freed from the clutches of Donald Trump, but I still like to imagine a world in which she does.

In this world, Melania spends her time in the White House concocting plans to avenge her husband for his past wrongs – including the many times he was disrespectful towards women.

In this world, she uses her private email from the White House to send out registration emails to Trump’s rallies to all of her K-pop friends, encouraging them to sign up without intending to attend. “He’ll be so embarrassed when no one turns up and he realizes the whole world is laughing at him >:)”

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