Expert guidance on learning how to understand, manage and overcome anger problems.
By Navit Schechter
Do you get frustrated and lose your temper at the slightest thing? Anger is a normal and healthy human emotion which we all experience from time to time. Its intensity can vary from mild annoyance to irritation, infuriation and even rage. But if you struggle to keep your temper in check and fly into a rage at the drop of a hat, it might be time to seek help.
Qualified cognitive behavioural therapist Navit Schechter offers her expert guidance on learning how to understand, manage and overcome anger problems:
Why do we experience anger?
As is the case for all emotions, anger can be helpful for a number of reasons.
If we are not able to manage it effectively, prolonged periods of frequent anger can impact our health.
Feeling angry can alert us to problems that are dangerous or threatening and can motivate us to make necessary changes and take action.
Anger can also provide us with temporary strength to defend ourselves in dangerous situations and can distract us from and numb other more distressing emotions.
When does anger become problematic?
For most people anger is manageable and doesn’t have any particularly negative effects. However for some, feelings of anger can be very intense and frequent and seem out of control. For these people, their feelings of anger may be out of proportion to the situation and may be expressed through unhelpful or destructive behaviours that cause harm to themselves or others.
If we are not able to manage it effectively, prolonged periods of frequent anger can impact our overall mental and physical health and can cause conflict with friends, family, colleagues and, in extreme cases, the law.
The signs and symptoms of anger
In cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), we help clients to understand their experience of anger by recognising the thoughts, feelings, physical symptoms and behaviours that often accompany it.
For some people, feelings of anger can be very intense and frequent and seem out of control.
Feelings of anger may often arise when we think that we have been unfairly treated, deceived or attacked, when our rules or expectations have not been met, or when someone acts against our wishes.
Feelings of anger are often accompanied by physical symptoms in the body such as feeling hot, sweaty and tense, as well as certain behaviours including clenching our fists, invading others personal space, shouting, swearing and, in extreme cases, physical aggression towards ourselves, other people or things.
When does anger become a problem?
Anger may be a problem if you experience any of the following:
- You get angry more easily than those around you.
- Others have told you that you have a problem with anger or aggressive communication.
- You feel irritated or angry a lot of the time.
- Your anger seems out of proportion to the situation.
- You take your anger out on those close to you.
- It takes you a long time to cool down after becoming angry.
- You use external sources such as drugs or alcohol to manage your feelings of anger.
- You are unable to see the viewpoint of those you are angry with.
- You get so angry that you have become physically aggressive towards other people or objects.
- You have been told that others have felt intimidated or frightened by you.
- Your anger has affected your friendships, relationships or working environment.
- You have been in trouble with the law.
Anger management treatment tips
As our thoughts, feelings, physical symptoms and behaviours are all interconnected, we can manage our feelings of anger and respond to situations more appropriately by recognising our anger triggers. Once we recognise these triggers, we can then learn to modify how we think, behave and the physical symptoms we are experiencing.
The following five points can help with anger management:
1) Understanding anger triggers
Making a note of the situations that cause us to feel angry when they happen will help us to become more aware of our habitual anger patterns and to understand why these situations have lead us to feel the way we do.
✔️ Try this: Be as objective as possible about what actually happened and focus only on the facts, as if you were watching a movie of the situation as an outsider. We can then ask ourselves what it was about the situation that caused us to feel so angry.
💡A recent client I worked with recognised that she was frequently becoming angry and losing her temper with her two-year-old son when he didn’t do what she asked. She recognised that she was actually angry at her situation and lack of support from her partner rather than her son’s behaviour which she saw as normal for a two-year-old.
2) Recognising anger warning signs
Recognising the physical changes that happen in the body when we are starting to feel angry can give us a better chance of managing our response differently. Common physical symptoms of anger include feeling hot, sweating, feeling tense, a racing heart and tightness in the chest.
✔️ Try this: Relaxation techniques such as taking slow and deep breaths, visualisation exercises and listening to music can also help to calm the nervous system which will reduce these symptoms and indirectly reduce feelings of anger.
3) Modifying anger-fuelling thoughts
The way we feel about a situation is determined by our interpretation of it. As feelings of anger often arise when we think that we have been treated badly or our rules have been broken in some way, one way to manage how we feel is to assess the accuracy of our interpretations.
A recent client I worked with continued to feel intense anger for many months after being made redundant, which was getting in the way of finding a new job. He recognised thoughts such as, “It’s so unfair, I gave them so much”, “they used me” and “they obviously didn’t think I was good enough”. This led to feelings of sadness which were quickly overshadowed by feelings of anger.
Reflecting on the accuracy of these thoughts, he was able to develop a more considered perspective and see that he had been shown that he was valued throughout his career, that it was a business decision and not personal and that his experience with the company placed him well to find a new job.
4) Find an alternative outlet for your anger
It is important to express feelings of anger so that they don’t become suppressed, lead to cynicism or passive-aggression or contribute to longer-term health problems. When we are feeling angry, shouting, swearing or hitting can bring us relief from the intense feelings of tension that accompany it. However, this can often be intimidating or threatening to others.
✔️ Try this: Finding healthier ways to reduce this tension will be different for everyone. It could include taking ‘time out’ to cool down before responding, going for a walk, doing some exercise, or finding a physical outlet such as hitting a pillow or taking a martial arts class. Journaling or speaking to a trusted friend can also help to express feelings of anger.
5) Practise assertiveness
Feeling angry can result in us communicating with others in a hostile, confronting or violent way. Learning to communicate assertively allows us to express our point of view, thoughts and feelings while still respecting the rights of others.
Communicating assertively means expressing honestly how we feel, making sure to listen to what the other person has to say, speaking at a normal volume without sounding threatening and making sure our body language expresses our intent as well as our words.
✔️ Try this: When communicating assertively it is better to talk about facts rather than judgements, avoid all-or-nothing statements and try to use “I” statements when possible rather than accusations eg “I felt frustrated that you didn’t do the dishes this morning when you said you would,” rather than, “you never do what you say you’re going to do, you’re so inconsiderate!”
Assertive communication can help us to manage our feelings of anger, minimise conflict with others, have our needs better met and improve relationships with others as a result.
When to seek help for anger management
If your anger seems out of control, causes you to do things you regret or hurts those around you and you want to understand what causes you to feel so angry and find ways to manage it, talking therapy could be helpful.
Anger is a normal human emotion and can be learnt to be used as a positive and constructive force. Therapy can also be used to overcome other issues such as feelings of depression, anxiety and/or low self-esteem, which can lead us to feel more angry and help to recognise and manage feelings such as shame, hurt, fear or guilt, which are often concealed when high levels of anger are expressed instead.
Additional help and support
If you are struggling with anger or any other emotional issues and you need some support, try one of the following resources:
- Mind Tools: information on how to communicate in a respectfully assertive way.
- Women’s Aid: information, forums, support and a directory of local services for women and children experiencing domestic abuse.
- National Domestic Abuse Helpline: 24-hour phone-line for women experiencing domestic abuse – call 0808 2000 247.
- National Self Harm Network: survivor-led closely monitored forum for people who self-harm, and their friends and families.
- Refuge: a national charity that runs safe houses for women and children escaping domestic abuse, and works with families to effect change.
- Respect– Information and support for people who are worried about their violent or aggressive behaviour towards loved ones.
- The Samaritans: a charity providing support to anyone in emotional distress.
Net Doctor