You have all the time in the world to devote to each other, so who wouldn’t want a last hormonal hurrah?Credit:iStock
When did you last have sex? Does your libido feel like a dog trying to nudge its dead owner back to life? Then you’re not alone. A married girlfriend of mine was relining the hamster cage with newspaper when she glimpsed an article headlined Sex 10 Times a Year and she thought, “Gosh, that much?” Reading on, she was mortified to discover that 10 times a year means your love life is defunct. Confessing this over cocktails at our next girls’ gathering prompted a candid conversation.
“So, when was the last time you had sex?” I asked another married pal. “On my birthday, if you must know … My birthday three years ago!”
We cackled like a witches’ coven, but beneath the banter and bonhomie a sad truth emerged. It seems the only physical contact many middle-aged women experience is at a bra-fitting. It’s got so bad that some friends look forward to their mammograms!
Mothers have always made daughters believe that the male libido is an untameable beast: that sex is all men want. Well, come a certain age and sex is all most women want!
“I can’t believe all the male appendage I batted away in my youth!” lamented another post-menopausal girlfriend. Like many such women, the only thing she’s getting between the sheets is an anticlimax.
And it’s not as though my married female friends aren’t making the right seductive moves. But too often their amorous advances are rebuffed with a chaste goodnight peck on the cheek and a pat on the shoulder – three pats, like you’d give a trusty old dog – before hubby rolls over and starts snoring. A bloke couldn’t make his rejection more obvious if he built a Trump-style wall down the middle of the bed.
The kids have left home, you’re working less, maybe even retiring. You have all the time in the world to devote to each other, so who wouldn’t want a last hormonal hurrah? But, how to rekindle his flagging interest?
First, rule out any obvious problems. Has he got brewer’s droop? Maybe he’s a secret alcoholic – or, as they say in Adelaide, “likes wine tastings”.
No? Then perhaps it’s an unfulfilled sexual fantasy. Check out his online browsing history. If there are no dogs or dominatrixes in sight, it could be an affair. But if your fella is still wearing his old saggy, baggy undies, isn’t man-scaping or taking up cycling in skin-tight lycra, then the sad fact is his flagpole is just stuck at half-mast.
So, what’s the solution when your lover’s as limp as two-week-old lettuce? There’s always vitamin V.
But some men won’t take the little blue pill, seeing it as a slight to their masculinity. A little surreptitiously applied testosterone gel when he’s asleep can work magic. Or you could simply buy oysters by the bucketload.
When a girlfriend purchased some WD40, cheekily branded Start Ya Bastard, I jokingly suggested she spray it onto her husband’s nether regions – at least I hope she knew I was joking. Experts would probably advise therapy – mindfulness, cognitive, equine … But isn’t “equine therapy” finding a man who’s hung like a …?
The reason many middle-aged women comfort-eat is because they’re suffering from sexual hunger pangs. If she can’t put “men” back on the menu, only chocolate can hit the spot (and sadly, not the G-spot).
In short, boys, keep rejecting your spouse in the bedroom and she’ll soon be the size of an emerging nation. If you don’t want a wife full of fast food, don’t starve her of slow sex.
This article appears in Sunday Life magazine within the Sun-Herald and the Sunday Age on sale September 20.
Kathy cites her career highlights as once teaching Steven Fry a word, and scripting Julian Assange’s cameo in the Simpsons’ 500th episode.