We speak to a psychologist about spotting the warning signs of gaslighting and how to overcome emotional abuse.
By Anna Bonet
While the term ‘gaslight’ has been around for centuries, in recent years it has also become a way to describe a form of emotional abuse and manipulation. In fact, Oxford Dictionaries named it one of the most popular words of 2018. But what exactly is gaslighting? How can you tell if it’s happening to you, and what can you do to stop it from happening?
We speak to psychologist Sam Owen, author of Anxiety Free and founder of Relationships Coach, about how to spot gaslighting and overcome emotional abuse:
What is gaslighting?
There is no single definition of gaslighting, and the experience can differ from person to person, but it generally refers to the victim being made to doubt their own sanity, because of the control someone has over them.
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse whereby a manipulator makes a victim doubt their sanity.
‘Gaslighting is a form of ongoing psychological abuse and control whereby the manipulator makes the victim question and doubt him or herself, his/her perception, memories, self-image, self-worth and sanity,’ explains Owen.
This can happen in any environment and the manipulator can be anyone, such as a boss, a ‘friend’ or a relative. However, it is perhaps most common within relationships. Whichever way you experience it, gaslighting is a serious form of emotional abuse that needs to be addressed.
‘[The danger is] that you lose your self-esteem and identity, become despondent, and eventually you and your life can become under someone else’s control,’ says Owen.
Warning signs of gaslighting
According to Owen, the obvious alarm bells that you might be the subject of gaslighting include the following:
➡️ Self-doubt: You find yourself questioning things you wouldn’t normally question, eg your personality or your actions, and without good reason.
➡️ Continuous conflict: You find you are constantly up against a battle with the perpetrator that doesn’t ever seem to resolve itself.
➡️ Frequent accusations: you find accusations frequently levelled at you, with the person giving little thought to other possible explanations or solutions for the matter being discussed. Accusations are usually unfounded or exaggerated and when you try to question them, they escalate the conflict so as to subdue you into submission and acceptance of something that isn’t even factual, eg something that you ‘keep doing wrong’ or something that is ‘wrong with you’.
How to stop gaslighting
If you think you might be a victim of gaslighting, there are a few ways in which you can respond to the situation.
‘If you feel your physical safety is not threatened, you have to be frank with them no matter how much they escalate things every time you try to be,’ says Owen. ‘By staying quiet out of fear of escalation, you are playing right into their manipulative hands.’
Keep a record of things in a diary so that you can go back to it if you are doubting yourself.
Always stand by your own decisions or things that you have said in order to maintain your independence.
You might find it useful to keep a record of events in a diary so that you can go back to it if you start to doubt yourself.
‘Talk to someone you know and trust, or speak to a therapist or coach to get an independent view to help you regain your self-belief, identity and sanity,’ says Owen. ‘This is a very serious situation and you must be proactive for your own sake.’
If it is a relationship that you are able to walk away from, then do.
✅ Mental health support
The Samaritans: a registered charity aimed at providing support to anyone in emotional distress.
Mind: a mental health charity, Mind make sure no one has to face a mental health problem alone.
Rethink Mental Illness: a charitable organisation which aims to better the lives of everyone facing mental illness.
Anxiety UK: a charity which specifies in helping those suffering from anxiety.
CALM: a men’s mental health charity, helping to reduce stigma and reduce rates of male suicide.
❗️If you are worried about your mental health, contact your GP or call NHS 111. If your partner becomes abusive, women can call the Refuge and Women’s Aid hotline on 0808 2000 247, and men can call the ManKind hotline on 01823 334244.
✅ Relationship support
Relate: a charity which provides relationship support to couples, families and young people.
Refuge: supports women against domestic violence and psychological abuse.
Relationships Coach: a counselling service for those with couple difficulties, or dating and self-esteem issues.
Women’s Aid: a charity which aims to end domestic abuse against women.
ManKind: supports men experiencing domestic, psychological or physical abuse.