Michael McCaffrey is a writer and cultural critic who lives in Los Angeles. His work can be read at RT, Counterpunch and at his website mpmacting.com/blog. He is also the host of the popular cinema podcast Looking California and Feeling Minnesota. Follow him on Twitter @MPMActingCo
Rumors persist that once out of the White House, Donald Trump will launch a new TV station that promises to be as deplorably biased as its MSM rivals. A quick look into a crystal ball reveals some of the madness that could await.
Donald Trump has apparently lost the presidential election to Joe Biden, or at least that is what the allegedly benevolent, unbiased and omniscient television networks are telling me.
The president’s humiliation at losing to a decrepit Washington warhorse like Biden is made more acute by the fact that Fox News, Trump’s supposedly staunch media ally, has abruptly turned its back on him. Fox even went so far as to call Arizona, a state still in dispute, for Biden early on election night despite other ‘liberal’ networks refusing to do so.
In the wake of Fox’s treachery, Trump is no doubt thinking, “Et tu, Rupert?”
Much like Trump set his sights on winning the presidency after he was publicly humiliated by searing jokes told at his expense by President Obama at the 2011 White House Correspondents’ Dinner, rumors now swirl he will focus his fury at Rupert Murdoch and Fox for their seditious election betrayal by starting his own TV network, Trump TV.
Many will scoff at this idea, but under-estimating Trump is how he won the White House in the first place. The truth is that Trump TV is bursting with ratings potential.
I’m sure Trump could convince his old friend, the bloviator Bill O’Reilly, to come out of forced retirement for The O’Reilly Factor 2.0, and could persuade the sycophant Sean Hannity and boozy belligerent Judge Jeanine to jump the Fox ship and join Trump TV.
But what would make Trump TV a ratings goldmine is that it would undoubtedly become TNN… the Trump Nepotism Network.
Ivanka Trump and her empty-suit husband Jared Kushner would surely be put in charge of the day-to-day operations of Trump TV and fill the network’s lineup with Trumpian news, entertainment and reality shows that would be the most electrifying line-up in cable television history.
For example, Donald Trump’s youngest son, Baron Trump, could star in a reboot of Silver Spoons, playing the role that made Ricky Schroder famous back in the 80s.
Baron could also dip his toe into the fetid swamp of reality TV with Livin’ in Slytherin, a show that chronicles the ups and downs of the Draco Malfoy look-a-like’s life while attending Hogwarts and living at Slytherin House.
Baron’s mom, and Trump’s current wife, Melania, could star in an Eastern European accented reboot of Desperate Housewives, and also be the main attraction on the runaway reality hit Almost Real Housewives of Mar-a-Lago.
First-born son Donald Trump Jr. and his gal pal Kimberly Guilfoyle could host The Screaming Hour – Brought to You by Meth Amphetamine, where the odd-couple incoherently shout Trumpian platitudes until they pass out.
Guilfoyle, the taut-faced temptress who is the former wife of California Governor Gavin Newsome and a one-time Fox News firebrand who was sacked for sexual harassment, could also have her own game show titled Shameless, where she chooses moderately famous men to sleep with in order to desperately hold on to any sort of relevancy.
The intellectually challenged Eric Trump could host his own cooking show that would be a cross between The Great British Bake Off and Fear Factor, titled Eric Trump Eats His Own Boogers, where Paul Hollywood looks on incredulously as the dim-witted Eric gobbles his own snots.
The only Trump offspring not to have a show on Trump TV will be poor Tiffany Trump, but in keeping with her least-favorite-child status she will, Cinderella style, work at the network in janitorial services.
Venturing out of the Trump family to his administration also opens up some ratings possibilities.
There could be the Kellyanne and George Conway Variety Hour, where, like Sonny and Cher on crack, America’s least favorite couple and their attention seeking teen daughter, Claudia, could bicker and have breakdowns between musical numbers and comedy sketches.
Anthony Scaramucci could host 10 Minutes with the Mooch, which would last 10 minutes – one minute for every day he worked as Trump’s Director of Communications. Scaramucci would spend the 10 minutes trying to figure out which way the political winds were blowing and then licking the proper boots.
Vice president Mike Pence could host his own art show that would be like the wild-haired Bob Ross’ old PBS program The Joy of Painting, except Pence’s version would be The Joy of Ass-Kissing. Pence and his wife Karen could also star in a remake of Will and Grace.
Of course, the biggest draw of Trump TV would be The Donald himself.
Unlike Fox, CNN and MSNBC, which once upon a time gladly milked Trump’s bizarre star power to enhance their own ratings but now actually refuse to cover his speeches or cut away from them mid-sentence, Trump TV will proudly cover all of The Donald’s rabid rallies and rants in their entirety.
And the funniest thing about my imagined version of Trump TV? If this inane network ever actually comes to air it will have just as much journalistic integrity as the phony, flag-waving fools at Fox and the insidious, mendacious, sanctimonious clowns on CNN and MSNBC.