Erin Riley
It’s a story as old as pregnancy itself: As soon as you announce the good news, someone will tell you about a morning sickness trick that really worked for them, or why you really don’t need to buy a pram. It’s a shame that parents are so often bombarded by (often unsolicited) advice, because good advice from those who’ve been there already can be very useful for new parents. But when you’ve heard “You really should . . .” 50 times this week, it’s only natural to tune out.
The line between helpful advice and being overbearing is pretty easy not to cross, as long as you are respectful and keep focused on what’s important — the wellbeing of the baby and helping the new parents in your life have an easier time.
Read on to find out how you can be the most supportive friend/sister/colleague/cousin as possible.
- Wait to be asked
Before my daughter was born, I was looking at change tables and had one simple question: Is there any reason they need to be open? I didn’t know whether I could just use a dresser or if there was an advantage to the open (and messy) shelves. So I posted on social media and the replies were amazingly helpful. Months later, when trying to find a nappy with one hand while holding my daughter with the other, I was so glad for the advice not to go for drawers. New parents do sometimes need the advice of those who’ve been there, but they don’t necessarily need that advice on every little thing. If you wait to be asked, you can be sure that your answer will be appreciated.
- Or at least ask first
The simple act of saying, “Do you mind if I give you some advice?” – and not being offended if the answer is “no” – can turn what can be an irritation into a valuable conversation. When experienced parents asked me, “Do you mind if I offer you some advice?”, rather than just launching into it, the conversation began with a great tone. I felt like a respected participant in the conversation, not a student in a class.
- Remember that they might be joking
Not everything new parents say is a cry for help or advice. Sometimes, they’re just laughing at some of the many absurdities that accompany pregnancy and parenthood. A growing baby doesn’t mean a couple has lost their sense of humour. If you’re going to share advice, remember that these are the same people you knew pre-pregnancy, and their personalities haven’t changed overnight. And if you’re not sure about whether they’re having a laugh or not, you probably don’t know them well enough to offer advice.
- Respect their decisions
Your values are important, but they’re not the most important consideration for new parents. If you feel strongly about an aspect of child rearing, and you’re close to the new parents, it’s natural that you would like to share this with them. But ultimately, their choices as parents are just that: their choices. There is a point when it’s time to just back off and respect that parents are making decisions in the best interest of the child. There is one exception to this is and it is if you believe the child is in serious imminent danger, in which case you should consider getting authorities involved.
- Don’t take rejection personally
You might have offered the best advice in the world and the parents just ignored it. As difficult as it is, don’t take that personally. It’s no reflection on you, or on your relationship with the parents. It is just what the parents have decided is best right now. Maybe later on, they’ll remember what you said. Or maybe not. But with the volume of sometimes-contradictory advice, it’s impossible for new parents to adopt every bit of advice they receive.
- If you decide to say something, be direct
If you have feelings about parenting that you wish to raise with a friend or family member, be honest and direct about it. Being passive aggressive is both unkind and insensitive. Don’t not-so-subtly send them articles, or talk about parenting in the abstract within their hearing. Just talk to them.
- Don’t assume what works for you will work for them
Every child is different. Every parent is different. While it’s easy to come up with hard-and-fast rules, there are always circumstances in which they don’t apply. It’s almost impossible that you know every aspect of the situation for even your closest friends and frankly, some things are none of your business. When you give advice, keep in mind that context matters.
- Remember: pregnancy and parenting are difficult
If you’ve been there, you remember the early days, when things are totally overwhelming. If you haven’t, try to imagine it. While it might seem urgent to you that parents do things a certain way, chances are they’re just doing their best to keep a tiny human alive. Be empathic to the new parents and recognise that making it through can be a victory.
- Be loving
This underpins all the rest — be loving in the way you approach sharing advice. Ask yourself before you say things whether this is a loving act towards the parents and the child? Is it about making their lives better? Is it said with kindness and empathy? If not, probably best to keep it to yourself.
This story originally appeared on POPSUGAR Australia, read it here and find more on Facebook.