https://www.newsweek.com-By Lucy Notarantonio
A stock photo showing a mixture of human emotions. Newsweek have researched further into toxic friendships. iStock / Getty Images
Distinguishing between a friend and an enemy is simple, but how easy is it to spot “frenemies”?
In May 2021, an American Perspectives Survey revealed that only 16 percent of 2,000 Americans turn to a friend when confronting a personal issue. The survey also revealed there has been a decline in best friends compared to three decades ago. This could be down to frenemies and toxic friendships being on the rise.
Newsweek spoke to friendship experts to find out what the signs of a fake companionship are and what to do when a friendship turns sour.
What Is a ‘Frenemy’?
Newsweek spoke to Charlotte Johnson, a U.K.-based relationships expert.
She said: “A frenemy is usually the title given to someone who pretends to be a friend for their own benefit. For example, they talk negatively behind your back and do not have any intentions of forming a strong friendship with you. It is common for a ‘frenemy’ to use you to form friendships with your friends and then once a connection is formed, they will not pay any interest to you anymore.”
How to Tell if Your Friend Is Toxic
Johnson has shared three signs to look out for when dealing with a ‘frenemy’.
- They make everything a competition
A negative friend will usually try to put you down by competing with you over the smallest things, from the price of your clothes to the choices you make in your professional career. This type of friend tends to push as though their choices are more beneficial and try to make you feel as if you are missing out.
- They like to constantly put other people down
As common as it is to gossip with your best friends, if you notice repeated and unkind comments from a friend about other people, this could be a sign you have a negative friend and someone who is feeling insecure about themselves.
- They only ever want to speak about themselves
If you feel that every time you meet up with your friend, the whole topic of discussion is about themselves and what achievements/concerns they are having at the moment, and no question about how you are doing or concern for your interests, then consider this a huge red flag and a sign of a negative friend.
How to Deal With Having a Toxic Friend
The terms “frenemy” and “toxic friendships” have become popular on TikTok recently, with the latter hashtag being viewed more than 153 million times.
But friendship expert Shasta Nelson told Newsweek, “we need to be more supportive of our friendships and at least try to repair them rather than point the finger and end a friendship over hurt feelings.”
If a friend begins to act unreliably or you aren’t walking away from a meeting feeling good, Nelson, the author of Frientimacy, encourages people to start asking questions. It’s sometimes possible to figure out ways to address them to hopefully salvage the friendship.
She said it’s worth asking yourself why the friend doesn’t feel safe enough to share vulnerability anymore and to pinpoint what happened.
Nelson, based in San Francisco, California, told Newsweek: “If you feel like a friend is withholding and pulling back, then you should identify the pattern that has been breaking down—ask yourself ‘how can I potentially try to improve this relationship so it feels more meaningful and positive again?’
“I believe it is worth asking the question as it could be something easily fixed. The goal is to share a very little snippet of the observation and your feeling, then be quiet and listen. It’s not the time to start listing things and go back in history. Mostly, asking a question and listening in the most undefensive way possible.”
How to Cut Off Toxic Friends
If the friendship is no longer bringing you positivity, Johnson said there’s no reason for you to be “holding onto the negative energy.”
Nelson agrees, but believes long-term friendships are worth at least trying first to repair. In her work she sees everyone looking for the perfect friend and people disposing of relationships that could often have been saved.
“You shouldn’t just get rid of someone who isn’t perfect and try to find someone who is. The truth of the matter is no one is perfect. If you’ve invested in the friendship, do what you can to make it better.
“Then, if after trying to repair it, you still feel the relationship isn’t meaningful, reliable, or safe, you will know you did your best and you will have practiced the skills that will serve you in future friendships.”
Johnson recommends cutting ties “when you start to feel betrayed or toxicity builds. If your friend has broken your trust, creating drama, and not showing concern for your feelings, these are all major signs that demonstrate it could be the right time to cut ties.”
Why Having a Best Friend Is Less Likely Than Ever Before
Today, 59 percent of American adults say they have a best pal, and 40 percent say they do not, according to the 2021 American Perspectives Survey. In 1990, 75 percent of Americans reported having a best friend.
Johnson blames social media for the dramatic decrease.
“With a multitude of platforms available and continuing to grow rapidly, it allows users to connect to people in unorthodox ways. And although you stay continually connected, it can as a result mean less engagement with one another. It can also encourage people to have verbal opinions and judgments on other people’s activities.
“This can spark a sense of jealousy, as it is most common for users to post their greatest achievements and flaunt successes on social media such as new cars, clothes, and other luxury items. However, this can cause friction within friendships as jealousy can cause people to say and do things that they wouldn’t usually do. Unfortunately, using social media regularly can become addictive and can even be something you interact with whilst with other friends too, which was not as common many decades ago, resulting in increased fallouts and upset from social media.”
But it isn’t all bad. Johnson has pointed out that social media has allowed people to “explore their interests further and gain more knowledge on certain topics”.
She said: “For example, the knowledge for travel, new jobs, or dating is at our fingertips and waiting to be explored. This can also frame brilliant friendships but can also push friendships apart. As schedules are filled, a sense of normality shifts and subsequent quality time with best friends can be tricky. Whereas in previous decades the opportunity to use social media as often was a lot less, therefore more time was spent in the present.”